I am strong.

So, the twins are here! I will post a full birth story with lots of details and pics. But for now, I want to share something that I had posted on my personal facebook when the girls turned one week old:

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Image is a selfie photo.  I am posed with one hand on my hip and the other holding my phone.  My pink shirt is rolled up, showing my exposed 34 week twin belly.  I have a small smile and kind of a “badass” tough look. 

 

One week ago, Magnolia and Sunflower were known simply as Baby A and Baby B. To my medical team, they were mono-di twins with IUGR. They had stopped growing due to placental failure, and needed to be born ASAP. They were risks.

To me, they were my daughters. I had not met them yet, but I knew them already. I loved them already.

I took this photo at 3:00 am. I had gotten up to begin getting ready to go to the hospital at 5:30 am and prep for surgery. I had not slept, that night or the night before.

I’d been given two rounds of steroid shots to help develop the babies’ lungs. The steroids had made me shaky, anxious, unable to rest, and had caused decreased movement from the babies, especially my sweet Magnolia, who had been the less active one all along.

I had laid awake in bed for two nights, prodding my daughters through this belly, trying to get them to move and show me they were alive. I was utterly consumed with worry, wondering if my team had made the right choice to wait two days and let the steroids work (now, looking back, I know that they had).

I found this pic while scrolling through my camera roll, looking at pics of the girls, as I always do while pumping milk for them. I stopped and stared at the mother in the photo, as if she were a stranger, and not me only one week prior.

Did she look scared?

She was exhausted. And she was SCARED. The fear was palpable, surrounding her, consuming her, but not breaking her.

I saw a quote recently that spoke to me. It was something like: “it’s ok to be afraid. Fear means you are about to do something very brave.”

So this was me, one week ago…

I’m a different person now.

Magnolia and Sunflower are no longer known as letters. They are my daughters. And I’m no longer consumed with fear.

I am strong.

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